A Memorable Date

No one will probably believe this, but it is a true story.  I have taken time to “highlight” some of the red flags on my date.  In other words, reasons I should have ended the date immediately.

I met this frat guy in college and he asked me out on a date to the Nebraska State Fair.  (The frat guy thing in and of itself may have not been the problem, but he had an “I Phelta Thi” t-shirt on when he picked me up.)

We left my dorm and walked down the street to his fraternity.  He probably wanted to show me his stereo or something, I can’t really remember.  I met a few of his buddies and we went up to his room.  There, he introduced me to his pet tarantula Chlamydia, by setting the spider on my bare arm.  (Words cannot express the shear anger/horror/panic I experienced at that moment.)

After threatening to fling the giant spider against the wall, he removed it and we headed to the fair. 

First thing, we were hungry.  I bought a funnel cake because they are awesome and he bought a sautéed onion, mushroom, and sausage foot long.  (Yeah….and then he needed a piece of gum, and when I offered him some of mine, he declined.)

Next…..a few carnival games in which he didn’t win anything for me.  I forgave him for that until he pushed me up to the game where they GUESS YOUR WEIGHT.  Ha ha ha.  That’s was funny.  The carnie guessed my weight was 142 pounds and when I stepped on the scale in front of about 500 people, I only weighed 109.  (So, now I felt like I looked like a cow walking around the fair.  Why he didn’t just take me to the cattle judging barn right then and there, I will never know.)

At this point, I was really not very into this guy but he asked me if I would like to ride the Ferris wheel.  I told him I didn’t really want to because I had never ridden one before.  He promised that it would be fine and bought two tickets to what he thought would be, “a great view of Lincoln, Nebraska”. 

 So there we were, standing in line UNDER the Ferris wheel when suddenly, someone dumped what felt like a giant soda on top of my head.  I could feel my head getting wet and felt the liquid soaking the back of my t-shirt.   A guy in line behind us shouted,  “Holy #%$@! Someone just yacked all over that girl!”  It was at that moment I looked down and saw pink chunks on my arm.

I immediately started gagging.  I mean REALLY gagging.

And crying.

A girl grabbed me and led us to the cattle barn to rinse off with a hose.

About the only good thing that happened, was my date took off his t-shirt and let me wear it home.

So there we were…standing in front of my dorm room about to say goodbye with puke chunks in my hair, and he says, “Wow, so do I get a good night kiss?” and there was a big huge, white, puss filled, pimple in the corner of his mouth.  It was so big that I thought IT was the one asking for the kiss.

I just had to say…. “I am sorry.  I think this is a date that I will never forget, but I just can’t kiss you goodnight.”

We parted ways, but I did end up seeing him at a bar about six years later and he recognized me and said, “WOW! That was the WORST date ever!!!”

There you go Mama Kat…..that was my Memorable Date.

Candy Hearts & Ex Boyfriends

For my Facebook status on V-day 2011  I wrote….Roses are red, Violets are blue, Its Valentine’s day, And I have a hangnail.

I don’t really have a hangnail, but the fact was I wasn’t too excited about the romantic holiday without my man, and the other fact is….I think I have had a bad run of this holiday throughout my life.

It all started in second grade and for some reason, we had our Valentine’s bags hanging on the sides of our desks.  The class party was later in the day, but I could actually sneak my hand into the bag and steal some of my own candy.  Obviously I was gifted child.

Hours later, the class party started and everyone was opening their candy and eating it and guess who didn’t have any candy in her Valentine box?

Me.

Fast forward into high school.  It was my Junior year and I had my very first real life boyfriend.  His name was Greg Gerbers and no, I didn’t change his name to protect his identity.  Some of my friends called him King Part. Because of the way he combed his hair.  I probably should have used the nickname as a predictor of how long our relationship would last. (Umm, two months.)

We first kissed while watching The Little Mermaid and we went to the Morp together….you know, the backwards prom.

He gave me a stuffed bear for Valentine’s day and then dumped me three days later, for the girl we double dated with to the Morp.  Turns out, he gave her a rose on Valentine’s Day and had been trading notes with her for a whole week! He was totally a slimy cheater! (Can you see his part?)

Skip ahead about four or five more years and I am sitting in a steakhouse eating a fancy dinner with my boyfriend.  We had been dating for a year now and we had met each other’s parents and everything.  He was a cattle rancher in Southwest Nebraska…..a cowboy.  He had a belt buckle and everything. 

I was in love…..I think.

We had just finished dessert and he pushed the red velvet box towards me.  I opened it and it was a diamond.  I looked at him and he said, “Well……..will ya?” And I said yes.

There I was, engaged.

Happy Valentine’s day right? 

Not really.  We got in a fight on the drive home.  The ring was too big because he didn’t get it sized.  And oh yeah….WHAT THE HELL KIND OF PROPOSAL WAS THAT?

We broke up a little over a year later, just about 4 weeks before the wedding.  And now, I am not a cattle rancher’s wife, living in Beaver City, Nebraska for the rest of my life.  (Dear God, Again I thank you for unanswered prayers. Amen)

So there you have it. Candyless, dumped, and stuck with 200 unusable wedding invitations.  Valentine’s Day…..a big, red, sore, oozing, hangnail of life.  Ouch!

But wait!!!!

Guess what was on my bed last night before I got in it?

Thank you my three girlies.....maybe Valentine’s Day isn’t so bad after all.

Valentine's Day - Ready To Blast Off

I am a sucker for Valentine’s Day.  I LOVE to make stuff and give it out…..but mostly I LOVE to get stuff.

That sounds bad.  I don’t mean I am greedy and want a bunch of stuff, but when someone takes the time to think of me by buying me something, or making me something, or even just writes a little note….I feel loved.  It’s my silly love language.

Unfortunately, this elevates things like birthdays, anniversaries, and of course Valentine’s Day, to crazy levels of expectations on my part, and utter failure on my husband’s part.

Poor guy.  He works hard for me so I can stay home with the girls.  He calls during the day to tell me he loves me.  He cleans the house….and from what a lot of my friends say, their husband’s don’t do that.  AND he gives me a really nice hug or back rub whenever I want.  He pretty much nails the other four love languages of humanity but WHY CAN’T HE BUY ME A FREAKING CAMERA OR WRITE ME A LOVE NOTE ONCE IN AWHILE???????

Anyway, it wasn’t much of a surprise when he called me this morning from across the world to say, “Gosh honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.  I promise I will take you out for Chinese when I get home.”

Sigh…..

So the girls and I, lonely and bored, decided to have a major craft festival on the dining room table today.  We made over 75 Valentine Rockets to hand out and I’m thinking they turned out pretty awesome! 

To make them, you will need:

©     Rolls of Lifesaver candy, or Mentos for the longer ones (We used a Japanese candy because I guess Japan doesn’t have Life Savers.)

©     Hershey’s Kisses

©     Red Construction Paper

©     Orange and yellow tissue paper

©     Glue gun

©     Double sided tape

First, cut the construction paper to fit around the candy rolls. (3 x 3 inches for the Life Savers, and 5 x 3 inches for the Mentos)  Now is a good time to write your message onto the cut cards leaving a bit of space for the overlap on the bottom of the card. 

 Glue or tape the paper around the rolls of candy.  We used double-sided tape.  You can now use a hot glue gun to stick a Hershey’s kiss onto one end of the roll.

Lastly, take a small square of tissue paper and glue it on the other end for the flames of your rocket.  We decided to use orange and yellow for some added flame excitement, but just orange looks cool too.

The kids made a bunch.  We used mint Mentos for the teachers because they were bigger and mints are more grown up!

I made a few for my fantastic girlfriends who have been checking up on me while hubby is away.

Now the kids are all ready to get “candied out” at school for V-day and I even though I had fun with my girlies, I was starting to stew in my not-getting-anything-for-Valentine’s day tears…..and guess what came in the mail?

Yay!  Okay…..it’s from my mom…..but who cares!  Yay!  I got a present! (And my girlfriend made it!) 

And honey baby dearest husband of mine.  I love you and I miss you!  I can’t wait till you come home and you better bring me back a present so we can go and have some Chinese! 

I have linked up with…….

1000 Miles in 2011 - Day 38...I Think

It’s funny how the mind wanders when one exercises.  A half an hour of running and suddenly, you’ve sorted through the most of the world’s problems.  Well, at least the problems in your own world.

Today, I started out a little stiff from that Chuck Norris roundhouse kick I tried a few weeks back, and my chest was burning from the crisp, cold air blowing around me.  But after about three or four minutes, Hannah Montana (of all people), had me running a nice easy pace…….and my world started to make sense.

Here is what went through my mind today in four miles….

1.     Is she a Crip or a Blood?  My perfect honor roll student got called to the counselor’s office this past week with her friends because they all decided to wear purple on Thursday. They were informed that this is considered a form of gang activity and bullying and it would not be tolerated.  She came home hysterical because she thought she would get into trouble and it ruined her fun Friday.  I had to calmly explain that it would have been fun to have a purple day and that I knew she wasn’t being bad, but that we had to follow the school rules because some people could possibly take it too far.  Then, I piled my three girls in the van and we all went down to get matching tattoos like the Japanese mafia.

2.     Carbs.  I thought about carbs while running.

      I started the Atkins diet plan eight days ago.  I can’t have any carbohydrates other than what you get from green vegetables for six more days…..and even then I can only add nuts, berries, and cottage cheese. It says on the Atkins website that my carb cravings would lessen over the first few days, but I bet Dr. Atkins doesn’t have a box of Thin Mints on top of his fridge, a can of Pringles in the pantry, and a Tombstone pizza in the freezer.

3.     I thought about God and I prayed.  This often happens when I run and I am not sure why.  Maybe it is because there are moments on my run that I don’t have to think about anything except putting one foot in front of the other.  I am breathing fresh air and the sun is on my face and I just feel close to Him.  It is these moments that I have held my hands up thanking Him for my blessings and I have also cried out to Him to answer my prayers….and I know He is there. It sounds crazy typing that out here, but it is my own little moment with Him, and I love it.

4.     I hate bodily fluids.  Usually I get mad somewhere along my run because I pee my pants a little bit.  Hey, I have had three babies so give me some slack.  Today, I stayed dry but my nose was running faster than I was.  It was gross and of course I didn’t have a tissue.  Some people do that “snot rocket” thing but I KNOW I would just snot all over the front of myself.  I had to use my sleeve.

5.     Finally I had about a half of a mile to go and Van Halen came on my iPod and started singing, “I Can’t Stop Loving You”, and my thoughts went straight to my husband….who will be home in 21 days……and I miss him.

  Dumb love songs.  Where is Megadeath’s “Appetite For Destruction” when I need it?

So that’s it.  That’s what went through my brain mixed in with, “oh geez is this ever gonna end?” and a few more carbohydrate hallucinations.  I am now back on track.  My daughter is not in a gang, I can have 3 strawberries in 6 days, Jesus loves me, my coat can be washed, and my husband called just a few minutes after I got home.  Nine hundred and fifty some miles to go!